I don’t quite know where to start except to say I’m here – after a year, I’m still here.
I’m lost for words but I wanted to write.
I wanted to write to feel something other than numbness.
I used to love writing – note the past tense.
I miss writing and how it healed me – so slowly, but surely. It aided my ability to feel; it was an emotional outlet without having to burden people with my sadness. A place where I could express myself so freely and yet, I haven’t written for a year. I doubt anyone remembers me at all, but I need to write.
I’ve no reason for vanishing for so long except that I had lost the motivation for anything and nothing has changed – I’m still here in that same place. I cannot stand the reflection that I see. I haven’t yet found a way out. I thought I did and for two months I had a glimmer or light – but it was a false light. Almost as if it was running on Duracell batteries with limited output.
I was thinking earlier how much I missed the old me but no one from the past would really know any different as they haven’t stuck around – except one, and I thank God for her always. Although I cannot blame them; I’m a shell of my former self. Occasionally I’ll collect enough energy to plaster a false smile and a moment of bubbly old me and then it becomes too exhausting and I have to run away into my own lonely bubble to avoid the questions. The questions I have no answer to. The questions that bring reality to the forefront.
In all honesty life and its cruelties have silently crushed me to pieces to the point I’ve become nothing but crumbs.
I’ve truly lost myself amongst the chaos of this world. I’m not sure how to move forwards when all I do is sink further down and drown under the weight of the world. It feels as if there’s an anchor bolted to me and with every passing day it drags me down an inch further, and an inch too far. But somehow, by the will of God I’ve stayed a float. I’ve been gasping for air, but I’m still here.
It hasn’t all been terrible. I mean, for a few weeks in approximately 18 months I was content and happy – but that was short-lived and then I learnt my lesson – do not to place your happiness with this world or the people in it as it will always break your heart. And when I say always, I mean always.
You know, I thought all I needed were two things and by the will of Allah they were given to me but there was a catch, they were only ever given to me to teach me a lesson. I lost one of them after a short period of time but all they ever did, and continue to do, is bring me heartache – bear in mind, these are the two things I thought would bring me happiness. Allah knows best, He truly does. Don’t ever forget that. And if you do, there will be a lesson waiting to remind you.
I’m tired of just surviving.
I need to find my way home. I will find my way home. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but I will.