21. The number of months that passed before I healed.
At least I thought I had healed.For so long I searched for a way to deal with pains without reopening the wounds; I wanted to heal but I didn’t want to invite the trauma and pain back to myself. I frantically attempted to search for an ‘easy’ way out, but wishing and the reality of life are two separate things and in the end you have to surrender.
Let’s put this into perspective. If you have an infected wound and you keep distracting yourself from it to avoid the sting of the acknowledgement, it doesn’t heal does it? You have to keep cleaning it thoroughly to release the unwanted bacteria and taking care to not let any more in. Although it pains you, you have to bring the pain to the forefront to clean it as you know this is the best thing to do and eventually, it heals. If not, it has health consequences in the long term.
You see, the main source of my pain was because I wasn’t cleansing my wounds so they never really healed in the first place hence the long-term consequences I had to suffer. Through avoiding the cleansing period all I did was inflict more pain and trauma upon myself. I wasn’t responsible for the pain I had endured initially, but the after effects I feel I was and am partly to blame for not dealing with it sooner.
This is why overtime I became firm believer in reopening your wounds to heal. I wasted so much time and energy running from the pains and finding distractions that I forgot to stitch myself back together and while I thought I was protecting myself, I was in fact neglecting myself. The more I locked my troubles away the more of a strain they took upon me. It’s like attempting to walk with weights shackled to your feet – you barely move and every step is agony. Each step drains you of the little energy you have left and the longer you pull the weights around the more exhausted and pained you become.
So that’s what I had to do. Overtime I sat and reopened every single one of my wounds. I pinpointed every event throughout my life that had left me mentally scarred and physically and emotionally drained. One by one, I picked at the seams of my wounds. I revisited those moments that had built an army of terror in my mind over the years. Those very moments that would tear me apart. Those moments that would tell me nothing will ever get better. Those moments that told me I was worthless. It was those exact moments that had told me life was not worth living anymore.
You see, there are a few reasons why I’m telling you this. Firstly, writing is an emotional outlet for me and something I was once passionate about and as you can see, I haven’t posted in a very long while. Secondly, I know that no one I know personally will ever read this so will never know the pains behind my false smile that I paint on daily. I’m not fully healed yet and I have little hope of being so, but I hope to be one day. The feature image on this post was one I took a short while ago, it reminds me that there can indeed be rainbows after the storms.
Mental health isn’t often talked about and if I’m honest I never really admitted to myself until recently that I’ve been severely suffering for a long while – and I don’t think anyone else sticks around long enough to really notice either. Just because you cannot physically see a wound, it doesn’t mean that it is non-existent. Some are buried deep within the soul.
From someone who’s battling the pains of this world, we don’t expect others to fully understand something they haven’t experienced but instead of running and passing your harsh remarks when someone does pluck up the courage to plea for help, please offer a listening ear or at least try not to be so ignorant. You could save someone’s life.
And most of all, I want those who are going through their own pains right now to know that you don’t have to be alone and if you ever need to talk without the harsh judgements of society I’m only a click away.
- There’s also a great project that’s been brought to light recently named Project Semi-Colon (https://projectsemicolon.com) where you can seek help if needed, or you can also volunteer to aid those who need the support. Help spread awareness and break the stigma.