Realisations.

I’m sure many of you, like me, have been advised to let go of this world.. but what if you do the opposite? What if you let go of God rather than the world? What if you try to take control? The answer is you’ll eventually fall flat on your face, believe me.

A few days ago I was on the brink of a mental breakdown, my heart and mind wanted two different things with regards to the closure of a fiery chapter.  To get some clarity I asked a dear friend which enabled me to put a lot of things into perspective.

For a long while now I’ve been saying I miss myself which may sound a tad weird. Through trials I’ve become someone I don’t recognise. I yearn for the positivity that I once had and the level of faith that empowered me to trust God when nothing but chaos surrounded me. I miss who I was and in some aspects, kind of hate the person I’ve become.

“Whatever you’re feeling now, you’re doing the damage to yourself.”  ~ Wise friend

The above statement is what hit me the most. I’ve a habit of patching up a broken boat with a paper towel. It stops the water from flooding the boat initially, but it’s a temporary fix. Eventually it’ll flood, you’ll struggle to keep your head above the waters and you’ll be gasping for air before you know it.

Inevitably, I hit that gasping and spluttering; I gave up and I accepted that I was now beyond help. There weren’t people standing there with life jackets ready to rescue me from my sinking boat, there wasn’t another boat to hop in to for safety and since I’d lost sight of God, I disappeared further into darkness with almost zero hope of taking another breath and seeing the light again.

I was broken. In fact I was shattered. Eventually, I realised that while the initial problem was in fact external matters that had led to my downfall, the problem was now more than that – it was an internal battle, which in itself was a bitter pill to swallow. I had to close chapters for good rather than attempting to fix them in the pouring rain. They damaged me initially, but now I was damaging myself by holding on to things that couldn’t be fixed.

You see, by living in the past you aren’t letting go and by doing so can cause you an even bigger downfall in the long-run. By focussing on the present and accepting that the past cannot be changed we open a whole new path for ourselves. If we let go, we can let God. If we let God, we can heal.

Most of all, take care of yourself. It’s not a bad thing to be less selfless. You see, I have this issue with caring too much about other people’s feelings and completely abandon my own self in the process of doing so. I’ve been hurting for a while now and one of the issues I’ve been dealing with has been back to haunt me time and time again because I allowed it to. Learn to give yourself to those who appreciate it rather than those who’d trample on you in a heartbeat. Overtime you have to ask yourself how much longer you can walk over shattered glass to rescue those who couldn’t care less how much you’re bleeding. Let your trials shape you, but not break you.

It’s a cold world out here. We aren’t in control, not really. We submit to this world and attempt control our own destiny but in reality it is an illusion, it’s all an illusion as God is the controller of all. Nothing happens without His will, and His will only. Let Him take the reins.

 

~ Ya Muqalib al Quloob, thabbit qalbi alaa deenik.

O Turner of Hearts, make my heart firm upon Your religion.

 

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